ezekiel's chariot - 張敦楷 (pjammer) wrote,
ezekiel's chariot - 張敦楷

  • Music:

Waiting ...

The waiting is the hard part. Your mind wanders, wondering what it would be like, watching your own life from far away.

- Clive Owen, BMW Films: The Follow

My life has turned into a waiting game now ... bad news can arrive quickly, but good news may take its time. The dice is rolling and it may be some time before I know how things end up. In the meantime, I'm returning to the one activity that has always brought me comfort in these moments - writing. I will write what I can while my mind rides the knife's edge between anxiety and hope, apprehension and optimism.


For the first time in my life, I saw my father cry ... and just writing that last sentence makes me feel a bit unsteady.

My father and I spoke at length tonight. You'd have to know the history of our relationship to understand what an extraordinary statement that was - but without a doubt, it was the most real moment I've had with the man in all my years of knowing him.

We spoke of things understood, but never discussed: my gun-running Triad boss grandfather, his absentee father. There is a certain terrible beauty in the story of Zhang Duan-Lu and the boy that was my father in pre-Mao Fujian - and as I listened, I can't help but wondered how many inter-generational stories are lost ... not for lack of a teller, but for want of a willing ear.

"You've always been a gifted storyteller. Can you write this story? For me?"

"Of course, ba ba." I reply, quietly. "Tell me again about what you remember about ..."

And as his eyes drift out of focus summoning memories over half a century old, I began writing as fast as I could.

to be continued

PS: I apologize for being cryptic last week - especially to those of you who've sent me concerned emails/IMs. I'm afraid I will have to continue to be opaque for a while longer. In time, I hope I can offer more transparancy and I am moved by well-wishers who took the time to register your concern. Thank you.
  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.