ezekiel's chariot - 張敦楷 (pjammer) wrote,
ezekiel's chariot - 張敦楷

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As close friends know, I have lately been going through a frustrating funk; motivation is at a personal low. I feel as though I've lost my edge - my ambition - my energy, compared to the "me" I remember even just two years ago.

It's disturbing the extent to which I've withdrawn from my former activity-heavy life - and I wonder if it is the inevitable effect of age ... or the consequences to the aggregation of bad decisions I've made along the way.

So I was on the phone with foobiwan a week ago talking away on this topic and he asked an out-of-left-field (yet surprisingly enlightening) question: "When was the last time you stepped into a dojo?"

Damn good question.

And when I think about it ... in my best moments - the moments I remember most fondly - I was engaged in some martial arts and/or training for competitive rowing/crew. Have I lost my edge because I've grown soft? I have noticed that my morning runs have lately been rather halfhearted - as is my workout schedule.

foobiwan mentioned a fascinating factoid: apparantly, the #1 cause of death among WW2 fighter pilots after the war was suicide. The transition to peacetime work was too painful to endure, and many men took their lives rather than face the bleak contrast of their lives back home to what they left in the European and Pacific theater. How could civilian employment hope to touch the majesty of hunting the Luftwaffe over the skies of Germany or gunning down Mitsubishi Zeroes 15,000 feet above the Pacific?

Time to take up my katana and gi and retrain a stagnant mind to fight once again. Give me a war to fight, give me an opponent to face off, give me a race to win.

I want my life back.
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