ezekiel's chariot - 張敦楷 (pjammer) wrote,
ezekiel's chariot - 張敦楷
pjammer

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Weddings, et. Cetera

Late 20s seems to be the age when my friends are all getting married. Another year, another batch of wedding invitations, another set of gifts to buy. I should get a volume discount card or something.

So I attended Dan & Crystal's wedding last Saturday. Beautiful ceremony ... met the lovely Crystal for the first time at the wedding (I know Dan from two years ago when we met at an event in San Diego sponsored by the Cato Institute). Good people, the both of them ... and I was very happy to see the two of them as a married couple. I suppose it is fashionable and expected to predict a long and happy future for newlyweds ... but, knowing Dan, I would be surprised if his union is one that fails to go the distance.

Yet ... yet ...

Why do weddings always have such a disquieting effect on me? In those moments when I drive my car home after a ceremony, I can't help but feel ... wistful ... uneasy ... left behind. Which is strange, because the truth is, I don't feel close to being emotionally ready for marriage, nor do I feel a keening need to be permanently commited to somebody. I don't want the boons and travails of married life ... but perhaps, there is an underlying sense that I should want it. Perhaps I troubled by the fact that I do not?

I want a "happily ever after" ... I do ... but right now, I can't see myself getting there the way my friends seem to be doing. The closest I've come to the altar is serving as a friend's Best Man ... and though I've tried to imagine what it would be like to be one seat over in the groom's chair ... I draw a blank.

I can't do it.

We often hear of women who dream of their wedding day since they were little girls, and fantasize/plan out every last detail of that perfect day; people who are in love with the idea of being in love. I'm wired the other way around, I suppose. I'd like to think it's healthier that way, but I don't really know. After all, the people in my world (including two exes) are coalesing into married pairs ... while I drift from one intense-but-short-lived relationship to the next, living the life described by Rutger "Roy Battey" Hauer from Blade Runner: "the candle that burns twice as bright, burns half as long."

And in my quiet moments, I often feel as though the world is moving on ... while I am standing still.
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