ezekiel's chariot - 張敦楷 (pjammer) wrote,
ezekiel's chariot - 張敦楷

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The Top Twelve

A quick google search can show you the 'Top 20 things you must believe to vote Republican this year' meme that's floating around these days ... a mildly amusing bit of partisan humor, if you're into such things.

Though I'm not a big fan of either of the major Presidential candidates, I think it's time for the democratic (haha) response, and thus, offer my own 'Top 12 Things you need to believe to vote Democrat This Year.'

Top 12 Things You Need to Believe to Vote Democrat This Year

  1. A divorced, billionaire-heiress-marrying lifetime politician and an ambulance-chasing millionaire trial lawyer are the best possible representatives for the average, working-class American.

  2. The United States should obey all UN decrees, except when it comes to enforcing the resolutions regarding Iraq, where we should accept an infinite number of 'just a few more months' extensions.

  3. Government should crack down on Big Businesses who spend Big Money to research cancer treatments and pain relief, and ought to hamstring those working to alleviate human suffering with even more regulation.

  4. Multinational corporations (with competitors who are eager to seize their market shares at their slightest stumble) cannot be trusted, but the monopolistic Federal Government always acts in the best interests of its constituents.

  5. Americans must show the utmost respect for hate-spewing, murder-preaching Muslim extremists, but sneering leftists are free hold up the worst examples of those who call themselves 'Christian' to smear anyone who believes in a Judeo-Christian God.

  6. If we give free condoms to children and offer no moral education, they will use them with 100% efficacy and treat sex as a serious responsibility.

  7. A good way to fight terrorism is to try to 'understand' murderous dictators and make excuses for radical terror groups that sponsor and train suicide bombers.

  8. HMOs and Insurance Companies are irredeemably evil organizations that should be seized by the Federal Government and nationalized, so all Americans can get the same efficiency and great service in Health Care that we currently enjoy from the DMV and IRS.

  9. Promising that the Federal Government will pay all the medical costs every American citizen (and illegal immigrant) incurs is a good way to keep costs low and encourage innovation ("Universal Coverage").

  10. Saddam was a good guy who headed an idyllic paradise until "the Great Satan" George W Bush deposed him from Baghdad and killed his wonderful sons.

  11. Suggesting that there may be conflicting evidence on the topic of global warming is heresy, and anybody who disagrees is obviously a stupid, Bible-thumping redneck.

  12. The Federal Government exists to enforce wide-sweeping social experimentation on its citizens; anyone who expresses reservations about it are considered enemies of the state and need to be sent to Inner-City Racial Re-Education Camps.

Flame shield on. Fire at will.

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