ezekiel's chariot - 張敦楷 (pjammer) wrote,
ezekiel's chariot - 張敦楷
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Living in Sin - Pros & Cons

It's always gratifying to find diabolically clever writers with a distinctive 'voice' on LJ - especially in the midst of crap from pretentious, self-important bastards prattling about details of their excruciatingly boring life.

Ladies and Gentlemen, please give it up for the sardonic styles of caffeineguy!

Living In Sin

It’s not official, but I finally accepted the fact that my girlfriend’s been living with me. For several months now, that sneaky devil. This entry is where I sit down and assess a few of the Pros and Cons.

CONS OF LIVING IN SIN:

Can’t fart really loud.
All the Neanderthal crap I do in private I have no problems doing in front of her. This includes belching, picking my nose - and her nose, doing the Running Man in my underwear, etc. However, I still refuse to fart in front of her. She’s even dared me a few times, and I still can’t do it - not even a peep. Stage fright or something. Don’t get me wrong: I do pass gas around her, but silently like an autumn breeze.

Lack of “me” time.
I don’t understand why girls get all huffy whenever their boyfriend explains that he occasionally “needs his space.” Even when we’re with you 99% of the time, women still want the other 1% too. I guess it’s because chicks crave attention about as much as guys crave sex, if not more. But please realize that as much as we cherish your presence, there are times when a man needs the peace and self-reflection that comes with being alone. Sure, this self-reflecting is often facilitated with the presence of male buddies and large quantities of alcohol. But who are you to judge our methods, you clingy bastards?

She takes up a bit of space.
For such small creatures, women need a lot of sh-t. Never mind all the clothes and spiked heels. There are several dozen bottles of Japanese bathroom stuff, makeup, and what I can only describe as hair thingies. Even my TiVo isn’t spared. She uses it to record a sh-tload of “Law & Order” episodes. It seemed harmless at first, since I thought it was only one show. Wrong. Did you know there’s like thirty different versions of “Law & Order?” There’s “Law & Order.” There’s “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.” There’s “Law & Order: Parking Violations.” And on and on. Plus, TNT airs “Law & Order” reruns all day. The result is when I get home and check my TiVo to watch a recorded episode of “Wild On…,” I find 834 “Law & Orders” instead.

Can’t bring home classy hookers.
I think this one pretty much speaks for itself.

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(continued here)
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